AES Networking Workshop Series Session 3

TRANSCRIPT

Funny how familiarity builds up so quickly. I was sick to my stomach before the first session. I thought of every reason not to show up. I almost blamed COVID to get out of it. Then the second session felt easier and more comfortable. And for this one — no nerves at all. I have been looking forward to it all week and I am going to be sad when it is over.

And funny how easy it is to build meaningful relationships remotely. I have been trading emails with a lot of you back and forth and each one is always a happy surprise. Just really the start of something good. If you are interested, go ahead and drop your emails in the group chat and feel free to reach out to each other the same way you have reached out to me. Why not? What do you have to lose? You each have really interesting perspectives to share. And you have more in common with each other than you could even guess.

And whereas it was funny of me to ask you to introduce yourselves right at the start — that same exercise would feel welcomed and fun now. Familiarity and timing really do matter.

In the first session we talked about the how and why of networking. More philosophical, with a few practical elements. Last week was all mechanical — the nuts and bolts building blocks of the how-to. Today we are going to talk about the aspirational elements. How to put it all together and what comes next.

We touched on this briefly when we talked about time and space and how the systems we are building evolve with us over the years. And I alluded to a lot of it through the metaphors I kept leaning into.

You heard me speak about networking in terms of maps — of socially navigating. And I truly think that is the perfect analogy. We have maps for how to get around in a city. It is odd to me that we do not have maps for how to get around in our industries. Or for that matter — maps of how to get around our lives. Maybe it is just me because I do not have the best sense of direction. But I think it is easy for all of us to get lost without a map. To head off in the wrong direction. To stumble and bump around and hope to get lucky.

The reason I love this topic is because it appeals to my need for categorical structured organization. The whole act of authentic and effective networking is about building out your map. Slow and steady. Uncovering a few new territories every year. Turning the unknown and unexplored into the familiar and comfortable. Our three sessions are a perfect allegory for this.

Networking is about understanding your world and how you fit into it. It is about being able to decipher who you are in relation to where you are. And it is about knowing and understanding your boundaries and borders.

Follow me on this for a second. I know a lot of people. A lot. I sell audio equipment. I put deals together for a living. And I am paid to talk about networking.

So if you need product placed in a top studio or access to a pop star, there is a good chance I can exceed your wildest expectations. If you boil my specialty down to its base essence — I move product from point A to point B. If we dress that up — I help manufacturers delight end users. And if you really want my elevator pitch — if you need a pro audio distributor in South Korea with a proven track record that can significantly improve your presence in APAC, that is my bread and butter. I can help you with that with my eyes closed. That is my everyday reality.

But if you needed to speak to a microbiologist who specialized in plastic waste recycling — that is not me. Stock advice or medical questions — I should not be on your call list. I am not part of that map. That is not my world. I am just as lost as you are.

The vast majority of people I know are just like me. My world is quite limited and my worldview even more so. Not for lack of trying — I am aware of these dynamics and try hard to branch out and expand. And yet I am surrounded by people who look and sound and act just like me. Even when I branch out, I am not getting very far from the center of my map. It is still the same territory.

I trust you found this out for yourselves when you were doing your homework.

Look at this Zoom screen. Look around. We speak the same tribal language. We believe the same industry myths. You really going to be nervous the next time you go to an industry event knowing how much you have in common with the supposed strangers in the room?

I bring this up for a few reasons.

If you are just starting out — stare into this crystal ball. This is your future. Go into it with your eyes open. Your life and your network will be wherever you put your attention and time. If this is not the life you want, start making changes now.

If you — like me — have done this your whole life, then this is our reality. Leaving feels as foreign as packing everything up and moving to a country where you do not speak the language and do not know anyone. It could be a great adventure. But it is probably not the most prudent move.

What you do impacts who you know. And who you know influences how you think, act, and behave. And what you believe.

Remember that. And then remember just how infinitely large this world truly is. All the other different maps. All the things simply beyond you — no matter how many people you know, no matter how successful you are, no matter what you accomplish. In absolute terms, you are still infinitesimally small.

I say this with the hope that it is empowering and liberating and inspiring. It should challenge you to push and expand your borders even more. It is so difficult to think beyond what we know. But each of you has the power to consistently chart new courses and expand your worlds in unfathomable ways.

We have not yet talked about the elephant in the room — even though we touched on an aspect of it in the Q&A last week.

We went over the five steps on making friends. We talked about showing up authentically and how to talk to people while being yourself. So the real question is not how you deal with the awkwardness of not finding overlap. The real question is what happens when people do not like you. How are you supposed to feel? How are you supposed to deal with that?

This is the deep-seated fear behind why we all think we are so bad at networking. Because if we believe we are bad at it, we do not have to do it. And if we do not do it, we cannot be judged or ridiculed.

Here is the truth. You are not going to like everyone you meet and not everyone is going to like you. It is going to happen. And the world will keep spinning.

Not everyone is going to move up to levels four and five. There are nearly eight billion people on this planet and you will barely scratch the surface of carving out a map for yourself. If a few of eight billion cannot find shared overlap with you — chalk it up to math and statistics. Keep things at level one or two and stay respectful.

Focus on what you can control.

I am not going to waste any more time or energy on this because that is how insignificant it should be. And that is the level of insignificance you should give it the next time this fear tries to stop you from growing.

Speaking of elephants in the room — let us talk about the ask and the favor game.

I am not going to put you through three sessions of networking without bringing this up. And clearly none of you are going to ask in the Q&As because this is the cultural taboo. We cannot talk about this. But this is why you are all here and what you paid good money for.

How do you ask for a favor?

It is nuanced. So before we answer — shared definitions. There is a huge difference between an Easy Ask, an Ask, an Impossible Ask, and a Stupid Ask.

Let us work backwards.

One of my bosses once asked me to get the band SPOON to throw our headphones to their audience during the middle of their set. She literally asked me to have the singer interrupt his show to shill our product.

That is a Stupid Ask.

Most people operate this way. From a practical standpoint, I barely knew their publicist, let alone their manager, let alone the singer. But none of that matters since the request itself was so ridiculous. Had I made such a request, I would have blown all credibility and tanked my reputation. How do I know that? Because that is exactly how I felt about my boss when she put me in that position.

An Impossible Ask is different from a Stupid Ask. It is not stupid — it is just a request being made of entirely the wrong person. It is a misalignment of potential. It is the reason most good things never come to fruition. The people who could make them happen are not part of the decision-making process. And the people who commit to trying know they cannot deliver — but they play along until nothing ever gets done.

Had my boss asked for our headphones to be placed with SPOON's merch — still could not have delivered. That relationship was uncharted territory on my map. A foreign land on a different map entirely.

If someone asks you something beyond your means, do them the favor of honesty. Tell them it is an interesting idea but you do not know how to accomplish it. Help them avoid the impossible ask.

If my boss had been truly committed to merch placement, the right question was: who do we collectively know who could help broker this? Who could help turn this ask into reality? Had we found someone who worked closely with SPOON's management, we could have asked for a brokered introduction.

An Ask is never a sure thing. It comes with spoken and unspoken strings attached. But there is a decent probability of success if you make it worth everyone's time. This is where the favor game comes in. Never underestimate the value of a favor.

An Easy Ask is different. Whereas an Ask is a slight gamble — sometimes breaking in your favor, sometimes not — an Easy Ask is a sure thing before you even say it. Your guaranteed yes. A foregone conclusion.

This is where everyday realities and the degree of the relationship come into play. Asking a level four for something in their daily wheelhouse is not even a sneeze. Of course it will happen. It is already teed up that way.

My employers always wonder how I get things done. I tell them I always cheat. I keep aces up my sleeve.

It is always better to make easy asks. That is the winning playbook. And this is why you invest your time in building out your maps and your personal CRM system.

One last homework assignment.

So far you have an inventory of your relationships — a list of everyone you know with the degree of each relationship honestly noted. You have ten to twenty general categories that almost everyone can fit into. And you have a self-assessment of the things you passionately care about.

Congratulations. You have all the underpinnings of an incredibly robust, living, breathing, ever-evolving CRM system. With the tools you already have, you can pivot and filter around anything you need to start finding the right decision-makers and making easy asks.

But wait. It gets better. One more layer — and you will be so money.

Put all of this into a visual format. Draw out your map. See your entire life in front of you. Your brain is capable of making advanced connections in split milliseconds. You are about to deconstruct your brain and see it all laid out before you.

This requires big sheets of paper. I use large-format art sheets. Give yourself proper space. And know before you start that this exercise will take a few days. You will not nail it on the first pass.

What is on any city map? Places and things. Buildings, businesses, schools, entities. And what are those places if we drill down literally? Structures built to shelter and collect the people who comprise the organizations. People are at the center of everything. People are the living soul of any business.

What is AES if not for its members? What is AES if not for its volunteers and executive team? When we talk about AES, we are using a shorthand proxy to talk about its people. And when you want to get something done — you do not go to the organization. You go to the key decision-makers and players who represent its interests.

People get things done. People make things happen. Companies and entities are illusions you need to see through.

At the center of your paper, draw a circle that represents you. This is you — all the people you know and all the things that make you tick.

Draw a larger circle around that. A bullseye. That bigger circle represents the entity you are most closely associated with right now — not before, not later, a snapshot of the present. Write that entity's name above the aggregate. Fill the bubble with the people you work with, grouped into hierarchies — engineering, production, service, sales, marketing.

From here, use the entire right half of your space to fill out all the companies you sell into. Every entity that buys your services. And on the left side — fill out every company you buy from. Everyone on the supply side. Your partners. The entities that enable your success.

Left side equals inputs. Right side equals outputs. Build out your total ecosystem.

Once those companies are in place, start plugging in all the people you know who make up each of them. Use your lists. Jog your memory. You will notice that you forgot a lot of people on the first pass — and equally, when you look at your list you will realize you forgot a lot of companies. Keep space open.

Then take it one step further. What companies are related to the companies you have noted? Who do you know over there? Map how each entity is interconnected. Visualize the humans who bridge one entity to another. Can you see the web? Can you see the six degrees of Kevin Bacon?

Keep coming back to your map until you truly cannot add anything more. Just the act of doing this — of staring at your page and thinking about it this way — will rewire your neurons.

You will see connections you overlooked. You will see things you forgot about. You will see glaring holes — complete uncharted territories that need further exploration.

You will also spot weak relations with companies you thought you were well connected to. Most connections only go one or two people deep. And what happens when your contact there moves on? Your relationship with the entity severs. It does not have to be that way.

We are all in a state of flux. Moving from one organization to another at different speeds and timelines. This map is a snapshot of the present. But it is constantly in motion. As you move along and as your relationships move along, the map gets larger and more intricate — as long as you pay attention.

Doing this will let you visualize the easy asks. The hard asks. The impossible asks. And it will let you start asking the right questions. The zero-level relationship marker lets you start filling in the holes. Who are the people you need to meet in order to be more effective?

We have just a few minutes left. I want to keep this wide open for questions. But in our remaining time — let me blow this all up and flip the script completely.

I just broke it down step by step — the process to accomplish anything. But rather than focusing on that, I want to talk about how you are going to use it.

Are you only going to advance your own goals and needs? Or are you going to enable the hopes and dreams of others? Because the choice is yours.

Do you want to be a walled garden — or do you want to be a tour guide?

Because once you have your map — why make the intern learn it all on their own? That is not hard knocks. Take them out to dinner and serve them up what took you twenty years to build. Give them the lay of the land. Make introductions. Tee them up for success.

When the new person shows up at work — are you going to let them bump around failing for a year figuring out who is who and how things get done? Or are you going to turbocharge it for them and bring them up to speed on day one?

And this — this is really the only reason I teach this class.

This whole time we have been talking about filling out your maps. Understanding your landscape. Figuring out how to navigate. And I live and die by this. I think it is one of the most critical skill sets we all need to pay more attention to.

But once you have a good enough outline of your map — once you are feeling comfortable and confident — I challenge you to stretch even further. Start thinking about this from a completely different perspective.

Try to think about it all in reverse.

I like to think about how I show up on other people's maps.

How many other maps do I show up on at all? How many people have I touched and helped?

Am I their one or two? Or am I their cheerleader they can count on in good times and bad?

Do I make it easy for people to dance with me — to find common overlap — or do I remain aloof and mysterious?

Am I easy to get in touch with, and do I hold to my commitments? Or am I all hot air and empty promises?

Do I let people engage me in small projects so they can deepen bonds and strengthen relationships?

Do I give more than I take?

Am I the Easy Ask?

I do not know. Look. I know there are other things that matter in life — other things that are important. But for me, this is my jam. This is how I think and what I believe. And I am really grateful I was able to share all of this with you. I hope we deescalated some of the fear and that you all got a little something out of this that makes life a little bit easier and more enjoyable.

Thank you.

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