AES Networking Workshop Series Session 2

TRANSCRIPT

Hello everybody and thank you for showing up to Part II. And thank you for taking the time to do your assignments. Towards the end of class we will go over how the work you put in after hours stacks with everything we will be doing today and next week.

Today we are going to focus on the mechanics — the nuts and bolts of how this all comes together. And hopefully we answer that great question from last week about balancing your hobbies against saying yes to more things.

A few recaps first.

Last week we took stock of where we are in the world in relation to who we know. And we talked about the generative nature of giving and why I am so passionate about this subject matter. To me, networking is working with people and teams to tackle the big challenges — to create lasting value.

We also talked about flexing this networking muscle. That the more you do it, the more you practice in small steps, the more you augment your ability to produce, deliver, and contribute. Nothing makes me happier.

Except knowing how many of you cowboyed up and said yes to new opportunities that came your way this week. I know I did. I felt inspired.

The more I talk about this and the more I share with everyone, the more it reinforces my core belief that networking is the path to getting things done and making things happen — and that the more I focus on giving, the more success I have to show for it. This last week I was able to send one of our microphones out as a gift to Malcolm Gladwell and it looks like I might be brokering a collaboration with Berklee. My employer could not be happier.

But more importantly, I watched everything we discussed last week play out right close to home. My own daughter showed up and suited up and I could not have been more proud.

There was a birthday party last week — a paintball extravaganza about an hour from our house. My daughter and her best friend were full of excitement on the way over, talking up a storm, laughing, joking. But the minute they stepped out of the car in the parking lot and realized they were the only two girls — I watched as the dreaded fear kicked in.

Immediately they both said: oh God, what have we done? Why are we here? Is it too late to turn around? Quick, let's get back in the car and get out of here.

I stood back in amazement. It is one thing to tell you all that showing up is the hardest part and that those feelings will always arise. It is a whole different thing to watch it play out right in front of you like a sitcom.

Panicked, they both looked at me — pleading for me to solve it for them.

And I did. I told them not to shoot anyone in the face. And to have a lot of fun.

Then my wife and I left them there and drove off to enjoy a late brunch at a little cafe we passed on the way into town. We even found some barbeque brisket. You all know how much I love my smoked meats.

Now. Just like my daughter and her friend — inevitably, over the week, as you started to put these simple tools into practice, you were struck by two glaring thoughts.

The first: after I put myself out there, what am I ever supposed to talk about?

Compounded by the second: I do not have anything to give or offer.

Here is where this gets fun. Really fun.

Travel back with me about five years. By that point I was making great money managing teams and contractors and partners throughout the world. I was coaching quite a few employees on all these topics as they related to job performance. I had definitely recognized that I had something of value and had really drilled down on putting these ideas into daily practice. I wanted to know how good I could get at all of this if I intentionally rehearsed and refined my life lessons into processes that anyone could follow. I had even been secretly mulling over how I could take this show on the road.

And then it happened.

One of my top employees had coordinated for a really famous YouTuber to come into the office and do some voice-over work for us. She had set the whole thing up on her own by following a lot of the principles we have been discussing. She was really proud of it. But I think I inadvertently hurt her feelings — because when she told me what was on the schedule, I told her it all sounded fantastic, even though I had never heard of him before.

It was a great session. He was a superstar. We got a lot done and had a blast doing it. Productive and genuinely enjoyable. But the minute the YouTuber left, my employee got mad and asked me why I had lied to her.

I was more confused than shocked. HUH? What do you mean?

She doubled down. She asked why I had told her I did not know who he was. How could we have gotten on like that? There was no way he was a stranger to me. There was no way we had not worked together before. So why was I messing with her head?

I got it. I knew exactly what she was getting at. And I started beaming with pride.

All my hard work was finally starting to pay off. I was finally getting recognized.

She knew me well enough that she noticed the improvements I had been steadily making with practice.

I really did have something to teach. And it was right then that I made the personal commitment to start developing my methods into this teachable format.

What she wanted to know — what she was really asking — was: how could I get on with a complete stranger as if we were old friends?

So I broke it down for her step by step.

Step One: I only talk about things I actually care about.

Conventional wisdom tells you to ask people about their kids, find something they are interested in — like cars. But I could not care less about cars. Less than less. I have been known on multiple occasions to get into the wrong black sedan in a parking lot. I am sure there are real differences between an Acura, a Civic, a Lexus, and a Tesla but the subtleties are lost on me. So why would I ever waste my precious time asking you about your engine or drivetrain? That is a dead-end road to nowhere for me.

Likewise — I do not actually care about in-ear monitors or microphones, the two things I sell to make my living. Sure, I am perfectly fluent in answering questions about them. But I am not going to waste my time on the intricacies of my work unless I am clarifying a point of confusion. I can be an expert on a subject without being a blowhard about it. I do not lean on my work or what I do to define me or my interests. I already spend more than eight hours a day talking about these things at work. I do not need to give my employer more of my time when I am out of the office.

Step Two: My only true responsibility is to make everyone around me feel absolutely and completely comfortable.

Here is how I do it. I pretend I have already known the stranger for a very long time — like from when we were kids. Not like someone I just met.

I am a nervous person by nature and my job puts me in the path of some very famous and powerful people. Without this approach I would come off like a total putz. So I do this to calm myself down. When I feel comfortable and relaxed — when I de-escalate my own nervous energy — I put everyone else in the room at ease.

We all talk and act differently around the people we know. We let our guard down. We do not put on airs. We are just simply us. Old comfortable us.

My job morphs from trying to sell something to simply being a good host and a cool hang.

And once I am comfortable — and once the other person is comfortable — then it is our mutual responsibility to find the overlap. The things we are both interested in. And that is what we go on about.

Now if it were up to me, every conversation would be about horse racing, whisky, and cigars. With some off-colored jokes thrown in for good measure. But if that is not a shared interest, I am fluent in other joys. I cycle through until I find a hit.

I have spent a lot of time honing in on what makes me tick and what does not. So much so that I put it all down on paper and made a chart.

[Personal Interest Chart presented to group]

You could call this my essence. My emotional DNA. My personal classified ad. And while you might think it is funny or small-time to reduce myself to a sheet of paper — this is me. And this is as good as it gets.

I am an old dog and I am not learning new tricks. If it is not on this chart it is not getting any attention. Come at me talking about cars or football and I am going to mutter and zone out. But if you start telling me about your orchid collection or your latest trek through the Atacama — I am hanging on your every word. And if you want to butter me up, lead with Ali, drop in some old soul and funk, and tell me When We Were Kings is the best documentary ever made.

Your next homework assignment: fill out your own chart at this level of detail. Who are you and what makes you tick? What are the things you are genuinely into?

I am collecting these. Please mail me your copies before the next session.

Once you have this done, you will immediately become a better conversationalist. You will speak with more passion, more conviction, more enthusiasm and authenticity. Your whole attitude and demeanor will change. Going into uncharted territory — dinner parties, mixers, one-on-ones — will not be as intimidating.

And since you will be looking and listening for overlaps — that place where you share commonality with others — you will transform into someone who is more interested. Which ironically will be perceived as you being more interesting.

You will be more at ease. You will put those around you at ease. At a large gathering you will notice your little pod growing. As you laugh and go down mutual rabbit holes together, others will take notice. If they share the same interests, they will ditch the dullard they had been cornered by and make their way over to your group.

Now here is where this gets really amazing. Effective and authentic networking is not a one-and-done thing. It is an additive process. A system for your entire life. We are builders and the structures we put in place today have an impact on the future. We are working in multiple dimensions of space and time.

We defined networking as giving. And as collaborating. But if we continue to dissect its core elements down to the component level:

Networking is the process of turning random strangers into relationships over time.

Think of it like a game. Complete strangers start at level zero. Your closest friends and family are at the top, level five. The goal is to slowly move strangers up the ladder to higher levels.

This aligns with my favorite saying. Of course life is about who you know. But it is more nuanced than that. It is more subtle. The part that really matters is how well you know them. The degree of the relationship matters.

Let me give you shared definitions so we have a common language and a set of rules for this game.

Level Zero — People you read about in trade publications or the news. People you do not yet know but want to meet one day. It is critical to build this zero level into the discussion. This is what opens up the possibilities of planning and exploration. This is what allows us to map out beyond where we are today.

Level One — Just data. Someone's name and contact information devoid of context. A social profile. A name in a mailing list. Data is ubiquitous and impersonal. Data does not know you.

Level Two — Contacts. This is what happens when you do not mind your business. Most people confuse contacts for relationships — and this is where most people play, thinking they are killing it. A contact is someone you have met before but the exchange was weak and forgettable. Perhaps you were introduced by a mutual acquaintance, met at a show, or connected through a cold call. Maybe you exchanged cards but no relationship or project developed. You did not close the loop and you certainly did not move it forward. A contact probably does not remember who you are. Most of the numbers in your phone and most of your work relationships are just contacts. Twos need work and attention. Twos are like fruit dying on the vine.

Level Three — Familiarity. To bump up to a three, you need a lot of interactions — they do not all need to be positive, they just need to be familiar. That person at the office you do not actually like might be your three. And you should be happy about that. Threes are like happy warm blankets of safety. You have created and accomplished something together — no matter how big or small. You have history. There is meaning and context. The name has a face with shared memories. This person knows you at more than a cursory level. Threes could be your barber, your banker, your grocery checkout person.

Level Four — Your network. These are the people whose company you genuinely enjoy. You have an affinity for them. They are on your team. Multiple overlapping interests and shared friendships. You have helped them out and they have helped you. These are the people you call on when you need something — and these are the people who send opportunities your way. There is a real relationship here.

Level Five — Your inner circle. Your foundation. Your family and closest allies. Your cheerleaders who put you in the path of success always. The people who have your back unconditionally. If you ever need help identifying your inner circle — pay attention to who is there when you are down. When you get fired, divorced, jammed up, or sick. Who is there in big ways and small, visibly and behind the scenes? Those are your people.

Now let us connect the dots. We just went over mapping your interests and finding overlaps. And we laid out a scale for measuring the degree of the relationship.

How do you move someone through the ranks? How do you turn a level one into a level four over time? Because it does not happen naturally on its own. Left to chance, most things peak at level two. And through sheer luck and repetition you end up with some mediocre level threes.

So how do you guide things forward?

It is pretty simple. We have already touched on a lot of it. Being more engaging and authentic helps. Following up and moving things forward prevents you from getting stuck in the level-two contact trap. But what else? How do you really turbocharge it?

Inviting people out is a great way. So is asking for help when you need something small. Doing a project together — any kind of project, big or small — is a brilliant way to add depth.

But my favorite way — and this is how everything starts to connect — is through sharing. Which also addresses that overarching fear of not having anything to offer. You are about to offer the most important thing of all: focused time and energy. Shared passion.

The things on your chart are the things you will nerd out on unprompted. Things you will read up on and scour the internet for. Every once in a while you are going to stumble across something that is just awesome — at least to you. Most people could not care less. But for you, top shelf. And when you find that special something — if you have been paying attention to the overlaps — you will already know exactly who to share it with. The people who actually care about it as much as you do.

I do not know if any of you caught my penchant for West African music when I was presenting. But if you did — can you imagine my excitement when I found out that Erykah Badu curated the fourth Fela Kuti box set? I went absolutely grape nuts over that. And thankfully I had two or three friends who were equally as excited. I know I made their day when I shared it.

Homework — Session 2:

As you are thinking about yourself and the things you love, pay attention to patterns. You will see overarching general categories made up of really specific interests. I love plants and gardening but I particularly love desert flowers and spices.

As you are thinking about patterns and groupings, go back and look at the list of people you know. As you scan each name, think about the overlaps you share. Think about how those overlaps — and the number of overlaps — relate to how you scored the degree of the relationship. Feel free to make adjustments now that you have had a chance to think about them in light of today's discussion.

As you look at your list in general — what overarching patterns do you see? What do you notice?

When I look at my list I see a few highly organized structured categories. Friends who work for manufacturers — people like me who build gear. Friends who work for resellers — people who help me sell my gear. Live sound reinforcement professionals — people who use my gear. Content creators and press — people who talk about my gear. This makes sense. This is how I spend the bulk of my time. These are the people I work with.

I want you to extract from your list the types of people you work with. Not necessarily job titles — though that is a good place to start — but more broadly, the category of people. There will be between ten and twenty specific groupings, highly focused near your profession and broader as you expand outward. That is good and normal.

Write this list down. Once you have it, you will be able to sort and pivot and filter around how well you know someone, common shared interests, and what they generally do. And when someone asks you about a sales person who knows the in-ear buyer for a major retailer, you will know right where to go and exactly how to ask for what you need.

That is it for today. Let us open it up. But first — did I answer the question of how to combine focusing on your interests with saying yes more often? You can see now why I think of them as exactly the same thing.

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